Supposedly, I'm a 22-year-old writer who is currently living in Oxford. I nowadays think of it as my home, although my mother still prefers when I call Sweden home, instead of England. I shouldn't even call myself a writer because I've never been able to finish anything in my life.
I’m addicted to coke (the drink, not the drug). I’ve always secretly (and sometimes not-so-secretly) wanted to become a ballerina but now I’m too old. Everyone keeps telling me that I was born in the wrong decade, but they can’t seem to decide whether I belong in the 40s, 50s, or 70s, I usually say I’m a hippie at heart though. My skin crawls if too much time passes by without me being alone for a while.
I had an E.T. doll when I was younger; I used to put dresses on it and loved it unconditionally without having seen the movie. I have a to-do-list for my life, and each year it seems to grow longer instead of shorter. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I’d love to go on tour with a band, but not for their music but because that’s the only way I’ll ever go on tour anywhere. Alas, it is what it is. I guess this is my latest bell jar.
Email / g-talk: fridha[at]gmail.com
Aim: Johnnypanic63
I'm a sucker for spontaneous emails.
I just think I deserve to not care for once. I always care. And it’s weighs me down. I care so much about everyone else that I forget that I’m supposed to be living my life. I can’t rewind in a couple of years, I don’t get do-overs. So part of me isn’t sorry for that last post, because it’s true, and you know that. I’m just tired and I need to care about myself for a while. I can’t do this.
Because I’m scared. And you forget to ask me how I’m doing, and so I don’t tell you.
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And I miss you. I listened to you and you listened to me too, and then you just stopped. And I didn’t want that. I didn’t mean for that to happen.
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You are making it extremely hard for me to stay motivated for my care-free summer. I’ve got issues. Fuck, I’ve got so many issues that I’m ignoring this summer just because I’ve never ever let myself ignore anything before. The people around me that I care most about have issues that I’m ignoring, and I’ve definitely never done that before. So why the fuck are you pushing your issues on me?
I listen. I always do. Because I can’t not listen when people are upset. But you know this is my care-free summer, and yet you’re unloading. When was the last time you listened to me?
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It’s all kinds of scary, but also very exciting.
It’s so shiny and new! :D
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I’d move to Greece in a heartbeat, if it wasn’t for the fact that I can’t even stand the heat in Sweden at the moment.
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- True Blood
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I think I do this sometimes. Or most of the time really. I do believe that there’s good in everyone, and I want to see that so badly that sometimes I totally disregard what is right in front of me. I’ve had friends and boyfriends who really didn’t have it all together, but I saw the good parts and I just couldn’t let go. Even when it was hurting me to hold on. That’s why I never say that I hate someone. Because hate is just something that I can’t make myself do, because I will always remember the good times. Which is so bad a lot of the time, because it means I end up reminiscing about old boyfriends that weren’t ever worthy of me. That sounds conceited, but I believe that if someone mistreats you, it’s because they’re not worthy of the person you are at that point in time. No one deserves to be in a relationship where they end up feeling bad about themselves, just because their partner is dealing with shit that has nothing to do with them.
But then I’ve also had friends who I never saw anything bad in, until they reacted in a totally unexpected way. I can’t say out of character, because obviously it was always in their character. But I guess I mistook them for something they were so clearly not. I’m not saying they’re bad people, or that they won’t ever be able to be a good friend. Because they were to me at one point.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s scary sometimes, when you open your eyes and look at someone that you’ve looked at a hundred times, and for the first time it’s not your friend, but a complete stranger looking back at you.
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If you want me, you have to show it. I’m not waiting around for you.
I’m better than that.
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“It doesn’t really matter who’s dead. When people love each-other, and then suddenly one of them isn’t there anymore, it’s the distance that hurts. And the distance is the same no matter who’s doing the leaving.”
- True Blood
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Thanks for the comment from last night hun, didn’t even know I needed to hear that someone else felt the same way. <3
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I remember the really dark periods of my life, how I wished it all would end a couple of years ago. I remember having perfect days, but as soon as I laid my head down on my pillow, the first thought going through my head was “I want to die.” I remember dealing with my pain in unhealthy ways, and crying so much I couldn’t breathe. I remember having panic attacks, and thinking that I wouldn’t see another sunrise. It’s because I remember the way it was a few years ago, that I don’t consider myself to be too bad off now whenever I’m down. I went to see a doctor a few years back, when I didn’t think I could handle it on my own anymore. She said that she didn’t consider me to be depressed. I never talked to another doctor again after that, instead I got up on my own. I got better on my own. I went from being suicidal, to being fine. I picked myself up. So now, most days, I am perfectly OK.
But there’s one thing that always gets to me. There’s a bridge in the city where I live, that I sometimes cross to go see my brother. I usually stay with him whenever I go out with my friends, because my parents don’t live downtown. So I always end up crossing that bridge in the middle of the night, on my own. And the water never fails to completely drain me. I look down at the water and I can’t help but want it to end again. It’s treacherous water. It’d be easy enough just to jump. I always have to force myself not to look down, to just keep walking, because somehow that particular place brings me down into the darkness again. That water never fails to scare me. I walked across that bridge at 3.30 am last night, after an amazing night out with my best friend. But I looked down and what I saw, the reflection of myself, in the water, terrified me. I need to remember to not look down, because I can’t let that darkness into my life again.
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